Words to live by (or maybe not)

Tonight I'm preparing for a reading quiz I have on the Old Testament books of Exodus and Leviticus. To keep this interesting for me, I've decided to copy down (in my, ahem, own words), some of my favorite prohibitions I come across in the old covenant:

1. If your slave wants to work for you past the retirement age mandated by Me, drill a hole in his earlobe... he'll think different then, you watch. (Ex 21:6)
2. If you divorce your wife, you gotta pay alimony, no buts about it. (Ex 21:10-11)
3. Beat your slave within an inch of his life, but no further... because we all know, slaves aren't cheap. (Ex 21:21).
4. Tooth fairy? Get this straight - if a slave loses a tooth, he's free as a bird - so pay for his dental coverage already, the investment will really be worth it. (Ex 21:27)
5. Fellas, if your ox gores someone once, it's all good. we all make mistakes. but if it gores lots of people, you should probably put it to death. (Ex 21:29-30).
6. If you find a robber in your house, it's open season. Just bury him before the sun rises because otherwise the word might get out that robbers dont have miranda rights. (Ex 22:2-4)
7. Kill fortune tellers on sight, I don't appreciate being misrepresented. (Ex 22:18)
8. Mess with a widow or an orphan, and a hover-sword shall assasinate you before nightfall. you don't want too see my ninja hover-sword skills. (Ex 22:22)
9. Don't eat roadkill. Ever. (Ex 22:31).
10. Would it kill you to do the dishes? (Ex 23:18)
11. Don't eat Camels, how the heck are you going to get to the promised land otherwise? goats? Good one. (Lev. 11:4)
12. Don't eat the rock badger (NB: I don't think they followed this one - when was the last time you saw a rock badger??) (Lev. 11:5)
13. Don't eat future symbols of the Church (Augustine will be heart-broken) (Lev. 11:18 - The Pelican)
14. Don't eat bugs. Come on folks, I thought this would be a no-brainer but Zebarel over here has a "little" problem with this it seems.... oh okay, fine, if you want to eat some bugs, eat "the ones whose legs are above their feet," because if you've already got a bug close enough to your face to where you can figure that one out you might as well go ahead and eat it at that point. (Lev. 11:20)
15. ... I mean't grasshoppers, people, grass-hop-pers... do I have to spell everything out for you? ONLY Grasshoppers. Sorry Jiminy Cricket this isn't your lucky day (Lev. 11:22).
16. If an animal crawls into your cup and dies, don't just clean it out with water and drink out of it again ... forget the cup. (Lev. 11:33)
17. Don't eat things with lots of feet or "swarming things that swarm." Remember the rule of thumb: if it has more legs than you have fingers and toes, just say no. (Lev. 11:42-43)

And finally ... "If you follow my commands, I'll defeat your enemies using my special-forces suprise-attack squadron of killer hornets." (Ex 23:28)


UPDATE, Thursday: I streamlined the post and got rid of the non-essentials. :-)