Humor: AmP campaign responds to vicious underhanded slander

My esteemed colleague in papist punditry, Curt Jester, has also been voted into the top 10 of the 2008 CBA’s “Funniest Catholic Blog” category. In his ingenious (tongue-in-cheek) style, he has launched a “negative campaign ad” against myself and the other top 10 nominees.

I urge you to go read through his list to make sense of what follows....

I have decided to respond in similar (light-hearted) kind.

Please read the following text while imagining it is being read aloud by a certain noted Democratic presidential nominee candidate from Illinois at a campaign stop:

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[begin transcript]

“I wanna thank you’all for coming out this evening. I know most of you have jobs and obligations, but have still managed to be here, and I appreciate that. But folks, I want to set the record straight on a few matters. I want to give you some strait, frank talk.

You’ve all probably heard the claims made by a notable opponent of mine recently. And while I respect this individual, I don’t think he’s being quite fair to me, or honest with you.

*boos and hisses heard in crowd.*

Now, now. It’s all right. We’re used to this sort of thing. It’s the same tired politics that some individuals are unable to avoid. That’s not the way I choose to operate, or conduct my campaign. But that’s a separate issue. For now, let’s get to my first point.

You’ve heard it said, for instance, by some, that word order makes a difference. Some people see fit to cast an aspersion on my character because I may choose to proceed one word – Papist – with another word – American. Well let me say right back: word order does indeed make a difference.

We all know that. But more important is what words you use. Now I think all of us would agree that I am both a Papist and an American. And to anyone who’s tried to say “PapistAmerican” and felt it to be a tongue-twister, well, that’s the only reason I’ve chosen to use the phrase “AmericanPapist.” I stand on my record in supporting Papists before Americans, and have done so for a long time, back when some other individuals in this race could barely spell either word, or find the Vatican on a map of Italy.

*wild cheers and applause.*

Thank you! Now on to my last point - bear with me, bear with me here – this is important, too:

You’ve maybe heard it said that I’m a prideful person, going around claiming to be not your average Catholic.

*scattered laughter.*

I know, it’s pretty comical, isn't it? But folks, let me just say, without a moment's hesitation, that I am not your average Catholic – and neither are you! The people down inside the St. Blog’s beltway want to practice “Catholicism as usual.” To them I say, we won’t stand for “Catholicism as usual” anymore!

*wild cheers and applause*

That’s right! I believe in the capacity of every Papist to be - not an ordinary Catholic, but an extraordinary Catholic. That’s what my campaign is about, and I pledge to you, that if I become the next nominee for “Funniest Catholic Blogger,” I will reverse the mistakes of the previous administration and give you, the hardworking readers of this blog, the opportunity to become true AmericanPapists! That’s the Audacity of Catholicism.

THANK YOU, ST. BLOGS!

*descends from podium, clicks “publish”.*

[end transcript.]

update: The opposing campaign has responded with an attempt to frighten Catholic blog readers into voting for the candidate they think would be funniest at 3A.M in the Vatican. :P